I recently gave some advice on an open forum about never settling when it comes to being an independent woman and traveling/following your own dreams even if those aren’t supported by a current significant other. The first comment back was- that’s actually great advice! As I was writing this I wanted to take it one step further and beg the question: Should the goal be to just get married and have a baby? Or should the goal be to have a great relationship and do what is right for both of you as life develops and evolves? There is a huge difference here.
That first school of thought I just can’t get behind, and I think there are factors here you have to think about and consider when looking at your life.
Age. It does matter. The age you are when you get out of school, find the career that drives you, meet the person you want to spend your life and time with, and where you are currently at in life. Has one of you been divorced or already has kids, doesn’t want children, or must be a parent to feel fulfilled. Sometimes where you are when you meet that person is very different than where you planned to be as a kid. You aren’t 18 -24 with all the time in the world ahead of you to make mistakes. Maybe you have already made a few mistakes and you are older and wiser, and maybe now you don’t want to do all the things you had planned you’d do. I suggest we look at a few key things and pose questions to ourself after each time period in our lives:
20’s – Am I right out of school? Is this the time I want to start a family? Do I even know myself yet?
30’s- Finding a Career and living life- do you have to do everything you thought you had to do at 18? Now things are different, am I the same person or have my goals changed?
40’s – Do you I have the same goals and desires I had when I was younger? Do I have the person to spend my life with or is my life going great for me without another person? Spoiler alert: you don’t have to have the same goals – sometimes life is better when you go with what it hands you and not what you think you want.
Are we getting married because we have hit one of these milestone markers that as women we have set for ourselves? If you are in a relationship when you hit one of these markers– should you just marry that person? No, because that doesn’t count if you are just marrying that person because the time is right, or you both got to a certain age and have found yourself together. Why? Because this doesn’t equal a life of love, or a great parenting partnership. I know. I almost did this. I was engaged by 29, on track to be checking that large box for myself by 30. #goals?
Now, if you ask me- crisis adverted….I got out of that one right before the save the dates went out. History has taught me that it was a blessing – and meeting people who have not been so lucky has taught me that I saved myself from a messy divorce and perhaps even a custody battle down the road. The things I thought I wanted, or had to do by 18 have changed by the time I have gotten to 33. I also wasn’t married by 30 like my life plan told me I needed to be. I ended my engagement when I finally listened to the voice in my head and trusted my gut. I truly trusted the feeling that had started to develop and gave me a negative emotional reaction/feeling of panic when I thought about my future with him. I had no desire to plan the wedding, so he did all of it. He wanted to look at houses, I’d watch TV. He told me I wasn’t being a partner to him (you shouldn’t have to force that, and I know this now) I wasn’t. Is it hard to give a multi carat diamond ring back and then go back to living alone. You are basically reversing the progress you made towards being a married adult and reverting back to a single woman living in the city. You go back to dating, and risking heart ache. You have to tell your family you couldn’t do it, that you weren’t ready to settle down. You basically feel like you failed. On top of that you are not going to meet that damn 30 year old deadline. People call you brave. I’m sure others judged me. Doesn’t change the fact that you have to ultimately face the plans you had for your life head on and realize your life has taken a turn into something you can’t control, but that doesn’t mean it has changed for the worse. As I have written about previously, I have met a man that I never knew existed, and I never would have met him had I not gone down this long bumpy road of never settling.
Why do we do this? Jump into things? We feel like we are missing out on something. If we just get to the next step in life it will fix everything- all the short comings and failures. We are also comparing ourselves to everyone else. We are so wrong to think this way. If you don’t do it – isn’t it ok? Having a partner shouldn’t be the final decision maker – having the right partner that is most important. What makes someone right? That is something I could write about forever. You have to learn what that is for you.
Having a child? Is this what drives us to make crazy choices with our young lives?
I’m only saying how convenient it would be to be married by 30 and have the partner piece out of the way because it opens up a whole world of choice for what can come next. To have kids or not to have kids? That is the question. When you have the partner part out of the way you can then decide the age you would like to take a next step, and you have more time to choose what works best with career, travel or compensation. Again, when life doesn’t go that way and you have to keep life open to having a partner, purpose or truly trying to be happy on your own and finding that everything you want doesn’t happen in chronological order – then you have to make choices about what is most important and sometimes you tend to rush your decisions that others might have more luxury in thinking about. Still never settle.
I’m not telling you what your soul truly craves- your inner most desires for what you need in your life. I am saying it needs to be reexamined, and often as we grow and change. I didn’t realize you could feel this stable and loved by another human. I did not feel that way in any relationship from my past. I always knew the relationship with my significant other was not one I would choose lightly and now I had proven that to myself, not let myself down when push came to shove. I want to get married. I want commitment. That’s a non-negotiable for me. What has changed for me is the idea of kids, or even a child. My boyfriend does have a son. I will have a stepson. I love children. The idea of us starting over with another one? That is something for me to reexamine. We like our life the way it is now. Am I open to doing something different? The answer is yes. I think at this point I have learned you can’t set yourself up for life to go a certain way. It would be crazy for me to get to this point with the right partner and now have the same quick obsession with the way my family must look. I like the way it looks now. I also like who I am in my mid 30’s with a teenager, I’m realizing my whole life there just wasn’t an option to do it any other way then having my own. I think the most important thing will be that no matter what we ultimately decide to do with our family- grow it further, or travel the world as a duo. It will be my husband and I making that decision and it won’t be made for me, and it won’t be expected to have marriage + child= success. I can’t believe I listened to someone who once told me, “Why get married if you aren’t having children” —it’s the same as saying, “just have a kid who needs a man” everyone has their own idea of what works, and each of those opinions are terrifying to some folks. The idea of only getting married if you are having kids is personally crazy to me. Kids don’t equate to my personal commitment and love for another human being. They can add to a family but they don’t have to exist to create one. As an only child I know I will end up alone once my immediate family is gone, so finding a life partner was something I always wanted, and I was desperate for it at times. I think this drove me to find companionship that wasn’t made for me just to try and meet this life quota. Ending up all alone was terrifying for me yet, I didn’t settle for just anyone. I waited, and I was patient with myself. I didn’t get patient until I was 30, single and looking down the barrel of a life alone… or so it felt that way. Not the time you would think you need patience, but it is when I finally slowed down and got real with what actually mattered to me. To me, children don’t give me solace that they will take care of me when i’m old and keep me from being alone. They will have their own lives. I want my life with someone who thinks of me as part of their live plan. We can’t figure it all out, and we sure as hell can’t stop life from throwing us curve balls, but we must learn what matters the most to us and be patient with ourselves. Allow our life to change and know that is where the good stuff comes from.
Do The Best Version of You 